02 Mar 2010

R: The fact that my back and hips crack anytime I move beyond the normal range of motion required to walk, sit, cross my legs and lay down, starts to really irritate me when I go to work out. I'm only 26 - my hips shouldn't be creaking and groaning for another thirty years at least. The thing is I wasn't really all that worried six years ago when I had my accident. I thought my doctor was full of snot bubbles and that I would live as I pleased, his list of dos and don'ts be damned. At first I was heartbroken over losing every sport I'd ever loved, and I dutifully took up swimming - which to this day still causes me severe-help-me-I-can't-breathe-and-I'm-probably-drowning anxiety. But then I was broke and gave up looking for pools I could afford, and I instead spent what little money I had on food and booze (gotta love the life of a townie waitress). I put on twenty pounds, and I thought while I was at it I would sleep on malformed and broken futons, wear high-highed shoes on a daily basis and be constantly late to appointments so I'd have to run in those shoes to catch the bus/train. I was young, all the nurses had admired my ability to rebound after surgery, and I never thought it would catch up with me until I was too old to care - like say when I'm 40.

However, more than a year ago, I began to feel that my body had become a hindrance. I just didn't feel physically well, and I started to fear that I had lost control of my body, that I could no longer make my own dos and don'ts, that my slightly overweight, embarrassingly weak body was calling all the shots. I decided that 40 was too young not to care, hell 80 was too young, and I began to work out again, getting back in the dreaded pool, and eating better. I still don't take the best care of my back, but I wear flats, I sleep on the perfect mattress, I don't run in heels. Is it helping? Yes, but alas, I can still feel the stiffness and the arthritis creeping in on me. I can't stand very long, I don't do well in wooden chairs, and I feel the rain in my vertebrae. ::Sigh::

I don't know how physically able I'm going to be down the road. I have no idea even of how my back will feel a year from now - better or worse. But I have a feeling getting in shape and the occassional Aleve won't be enough. Very soon other methods will have to be taken up. Luckily they might just be lurking around the corner.

C: It is the second day of sunshine after a week of grey skies and precipitation. I have not seen so much rain since last June, when it rained for nearly the entire month straight. When I move to Texas, I will not be worrying about whether or not I will see the sun...